reading through the chapters, I am filled with mixed emotions
I lay across my bed with tears falling from my face
never thought I would see the day that our romance would end
never thought I would see the day when our sweet words would turn into painful phrases of anger
never thought I would have to start over with love when I was happy where I was
never thought I would....
spilling through my radio, Chrisette Michele's "All I Ever Think About" sings of my struggle
the young love that I did not see when we first met,
I wish I could go back and change the circumstances that took place
however, I don't want to go back because I believe in moving forward
yet, I at least want to see where we would have ended up if...
would have
could have
should have ....are the consequences of my actions over?
we are no longer in love
we no longer love each other the way we used to
our conversations are nothing less than screaming,
the thoughts about each other are not pleasant as they once were
jealousy, hate, and heartbreak speak of our story
three months of bliss turned into a four year struggle to make things work
passion of the heart made a way for us to keep trying
the realities of life continue to tap our shoulders of curiousity
maybe were not meant to be?
maybe we are as compatable as we thought?
questions fill my head as I try to figure this out, and yet after all of this time, I have nothing
all I have are the memories of our first kiss, first argument, first recognition of our love
tell me why my heart is playing on the radio at the moment,
Toni Braxton sung it the best,
"just another sad slow song wreckin' my brain like crazy"
trying to keep from crying, I turn off the music to collect myself back to being calm
I kneel down to a corner in the room as I remain quiet
thinking why the love I want is not here
I begin to see why I'm alone...continuing to hold onto a love that is no longer there
now, I understandwhy I am so hurt inside
understanding why I am filled with so much pride
understanding why I am the way that I am, I lost a lot of my heart and love in you
I keep telling myself that I am a big girl, I do not need daddy here with me
but, how can you stop wanting something that I know exist, but not in my reach?
I know what it feels like to be loved, really be loved
I know what it feels like to love back, really love back
I know how it feels to see your everything leave your possession
I know how it feels to be without him
thinking back to my friends and what they tell me, I know that something maybe better
I believe that in my heart, my mind, my soul, my spirit
but tell that to the little girl within me who only wants to play with that little boy within him
tell her that she cannot have what she wants
tell her that he does not want to play with her anymore, and watch her cry
watch her ambitions burn in flames
watch her heart turn into coal
but, I know times will get better
I can only reflect on the best memories that we once shared
we have grown apart
we have moved on, but the thought continues to linger
The Love Once Spent
Copyright© 2010
De'Shundra Gibson, All Rights Reserved
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