In Love with Another Man

brought from the seed of creation
you loved me before the thought of such love
destined within my very soul, I knew your love before my own
beautiful ways gestered in the formation of our relationship
taken such a toll on my heart, because you live in me

my very existence is because of you
purity in my body, mind, and spirit
pulling from the theory of life and death,
I rest with you
I dwell in your forever constant love
but, I love him...I love him past myself

when I first met him, he would make me smile
praising him for his love
I grativated toward him like a magnet to metal
the thought of a force pulling me away was devastating,
only because he was all I knew
he warned me about opening up to the world
but I was curious as to what was stored in this light
like Adam and Eve eating from the forbidden tree, I took a bite
losing myself in the likeness of a male
wrapped closely to his words, his ways, his treasure of the flesh

November 30, 2005 marked our meeting in one-ness,
although we weren't one, just dating
in love with each other
almost to the point of a strong attachment, only to be broken with each other's actions
I rested in his soul
consoled in this mind
found total completeness in his heart
I loved him,
it came to the point when I didn't need you
I didn't want to hear what you had to say
I had a man, and I was happy
but, I forgot that just like another female getting the spotlight, you're jealous
plenty of warning arose in the midst of our love
it got to the point that I didn't pray, praise, or devote
being with that man was more important than eating, sleeping, and living
planning a future with him was like a dream come true
the wedding
the children
the life with each other....I lost control

cheating on him was the least of my worries
but I realized that you were out of the equation
I remember when I got on my knees to pray to you about a mate
and I remember the conversation that was mentioned when he prayed for me
just happy to be in love, I didn't think too much harm could arises
but, I was cheating on you with another guy

I slept him
I was breathing him
I was loving him more than myself, more than you
I looked to him for answers
I felt that he knew it all
and yet, I forgot that you were my first and only
talking about sex was something I enjoyed
although at the time, I was a virgin, I would hear your warning through the elders
"Hold unto your precious gift unto marriage," they would say
I didn't want to listen
I wanted to feel that same way my friends felt when they "made love"
at a young age, I knew love
I thought I knew love
but, honestly, the only love I knew was yours
I couldn't quite love another man, because I wasn't completely loving you
as you would teach the right way into being a woman of your stature
I ventured off into my own thing
wasn't quite sure where I was headed, all I wanted was to be in love with a man

no more lonely nights
no more cold mornings and evenings
I finally had someone
buying me gifts
kissing my lips
touching my body so passionately
and telling me everything that I wanted to hear
he, was where my heart was, but you originally gave me a heart to love

outraged at my behavior, you pulled us apart
I almost hated you in the effort
because I just wanted to be with him
tears running my face
losing weight
confused in the face
asking everyone their opinions on what I should do
going through the scenario play by play
it's still not working

calling him and texting him became harder and harder
wanting to be by his side was my job
as you were pulling me close to you, I was running away
I just wanted to be in love with a man

getting upset, I couldn't believe that you would get mad
I felt as if you just didn't understand
you couldn't touch me like he could
you couldn't kiss me
you couldn't hold me
you couldn't make me feel like he could
I didn't want you in my bed, I wanted him

years had past, still in the same situation
looking for love in all the wrong places, including loving the same person
I felt lost, confused, and hopeless
entering into my wilderness, I could feel of your frustration:

how could she abandon me like this
I gave her life
I gave her sight
I gave her love, unconditionally
I gave her health
I gave her beauty
I gave her everything
when no one was there to hear her concerns, I was there to listen
when no one was there to hear her tears, I was there to dry them
when no one was there to keep her from destruction, I held her
when she needed protection, I protected her
when she needed food, clothes, and shelter, I provided that
when she just needed me to call on, I wouldn't catch an attitude, I would just be there

how could she love another more than me
I sent my son to die for her and her sin
I am the reason why Heaven is her home
I am the reason why I am only a prayer away
I am the reason why she can buy anything in her desire
I am the reason why she is who she is
I am the reason why she's not dead, holding unto old life
I am the reason.

full of regret and resentment, I kneeled down to apologize
even when I am in a horrible situation, he is there, loving me
his love is everlasting
his mercy and grace is unchanging
his essence is beautiful

giving me an opportunity to love, again
he is there for me
I realized that the only love that I was searching for was already before me
his love can't be matched, replaced, or duplicated
trying to love a man when I didn't love him was fatal
keeping him close to me is something that I vow to do
waiting on his time is what I promise to do
pursuing him as my love was the best decision that I ever made
understanding that the original love was him
thanking him for loving me
thanking him for believing in me
thanking him for forgiving me....I am forever grateful.

all along, I was cheating on my first love
because I was always in love with another man
now, I proclaim to forever love my first love because he is the reason we love

my first love isn't my "first love," but the love of my life, Jesus Christ

I vow to never cheat, again.

Copyright© 2010
De'Shundra Gibson, All Rights Reserved